Heart Series 2b
H I M cont.
When you have emptied and laid it out and listened for His voice. And you have followed.
Yet for some reason, you just can't see to get on the same page. Maybe you try and just can't get there....husband is just not getting it.....not getting me.
Days go by, paths cross, chores are completed, kids are cared for but as you lay together late into the night you barely touch. Love has not faded but life has pulled, and stressed.
He is busy providing......you nurturing.
He is wondering if it's enough........you are frustrated that he is not connecting.
Love is a dance and the wise learn the steps, the tempos, the nuances.
And the even wiser know that to love for lifetime.... it is a fight.
One that is the very fight of our lives. Cause the love is what we need to give and to live.
This is a fight that is worth the effort.
One we cannot walk away from.
I found this by a favorite author of mine, Ann Voskamp and thought it was very honest, wise and necessary for the days we are finding ourselves living on a separate page from the one we love.
I added some thoughts in red.
5 Ways to Fight through to Love:
1. You don’t need honed communication skills —
As much as the will to connect hearts. It comes down to do we truly want to communicate love or be sure our point gets across or that we were right. Who cares what the point is and that we are right if love is not being given. This our lover, whom God has given us...... must connect our hearts and work from a place where everyone wins.
2. Get to the tender wounded question behind every fight or misunderstanding:
“Can I depend on you?
Do my feelings matter to you?
How do you care about me? Hold me?” We spend so much time on the surface instead of getting to these core issues. Get here, and most of the surface will melt away.
3. In the anxiety that’s masking as anger, don’t up the ante
Don’t up the ante with name-calling, labels or threats of the D word (divorce).
Critical language can register in the brain as the same area as physical pain — which leaves your spouse dealing with their own pain, instead of caring for you in yours. Unacceptable. If you find yourself easily getting to this point.....spend some time allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your life. There are probably some other anger issues for you......that is not your spouse's fault. Talk to a friend or counselor and work through it.
4. Be your spouse’s ER:
Emotionally Respond. Listen to the cries of fear behind the fighting. Hear anger as a cry for attachment, this call for connection. Have the courage in the midst of the heat to tenderly reach out and touch the bruised places.
Reassure that you’ll always be there, that you care, that you’re in this together. This is so important. I have been guilty of saying, well he isn't emotionally responding to me, so why should I him. But love does ANYWAY and in spite of.......and trust me, as you love by emotionally respond with no strings attached, that emotion will come back in the most wonderful ways.
REMEMBER - we have to see.
5. Hold each other close and long…
Love bears all things. Be a roof, a wing, a shelter in the storm. YES!
Wise words to us today.
And so my friends, engage.... first in a daily surrender of it all
right into the hands of God.
then you are free to love fully.....
your spouse
your children
Tomorrow I will be sharing thoughts on FRIENDSHIP.
When you have emptied and laid it out and listened for His voice. And you have followed.
Days go by, paths cross, chores are completed, kids are cared for but as you lay together late into the night you barely touch. Love has not faded but life has pulled, and stressed.
He is busy providing......you nurturing.
He is wondering if it's enough........you are frustrated that he is not connecting.
Love is a dance and the wise learn the steps, the tempos, the nuances.
And the even wiser know that to love for lifetime.... it is a fight.
One that is the very fight of our lives. Cause the love is what we need to give and to live.
This is a fight that is worth the effort.
One we cannot walk away from.
I found this by a favorite author of mine, Ann Voskamp and thought it was very honest, wise and necessary for the days we are finding ourselves living on a separate page from the one we love.
I added some thoughts in red.
5 Ways to Fight through to Love:
1. You don’t need honed communication skills —
As much as the will to connect hearts. It comes down to do we truly want to communicate love or be sure our point gets across or that we were right. Who cares what the point is and that we are right if love is not being given. This our lover, whom God has given us...... must connect our hearts and work from a place where everyone wins.
2. Get to the tender wounded question behind every fight or misunderstanding:
“Can I depend on you?
Do my feelings matter to you?
How do you care about me? Hold me?” We spend so much time on the surface instead of getting to these core issues. Get here, and most of the surface will melt away.
3. In the anxiety that’s masking as anger, don’t up the ante
Don’t up the ante with name-calling, labels or threats of the D word (divorce).
Critical language can register in the brain as the same area as physical pain — which leaves your spouse dealing with their own pain, instead of caring for you in yours. Unacceptable. If you find yourself easily getting to this point.....spend some time allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your life. There are probably some other anger issues for you......that is not your spouse's fault. Talk to a friend or counselor and work through it.
4. Be your spouse’s ER:
Emotionally Respond. Listen to the cries of fear behind the fighting. Hear anger as a cry for attachment, this call for connection. Have the courage in the midst of the heat to tenderly reach out and touch the bruised places.
Reassure that you’ll always be there, that you care, that you’re in this together. This is so important. I have been guilty of saying, well he isn't emotionally responding to me, so why should I him. But love does ANYWAY and in spite of.......and trust me, as you love by emotionally respond with no strings attached, that emotion will come back in the most wonderful ways.
REMEMBER - we have to see.
5. Hold each other close and long…
Love bears all things. Be a roof, a wing, a shelter in the storm. YES!
Wise words to us today.
And so my friends, engage.... first in a daily surrender of it all
right into the hands of God.
then you are free to love fully.....
your spouse
your children
Tomorrow I will be sharing thoughts on FRIENDSHIP.
