Confidence

I must admit my confidence has been shaken.  I could list the many reasons why but they are only excuses for why I chose to stay hidden.   Keeping a safe distance from what might be said or what could go wrong because I've heard and seen. What I thought God meant all

those years ago when He placed a calling in my heart didn't include this.  This hard.   This heartbreak.  And the questions, opinions, suggestions clouded and drowned all out those whispers in my heart. 
I have questioned it all, down to the very fiber of my faith.  Am I really called?  Can an incident that happened over 12 years ago still be reeling it's impact on me?  I haven't even written much about it as I go back over this blog, just one entry kind of talks about it.  I think I have been hoping all these years it would all make sense and then the trail of devastation that followed would then get better.

This morning this scripture popped up on my Bible app AFTER it was part of my Bible Study earlier this week-
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36

I don't know how God speaks to you, but He is being pretty clear to me this week.  I wrote about it in my worship wednesday post that I have been wanting to do for several months, but again - confidence. *

So here I am, no idea if anyone reads or cares, deciding to be obedient, walking in confidence of the Lord's calling for me.  It is NOT all better.  Meaning that life before March 17, 2007 got blown to bits and I tried to not only hold all the pieces together but my family as well.  And I have multiple times given those pieces to God to put back together, waiting for it to feel better.  Every time that I thought the coast was clear enough to step out in confidence, a shadow of doubt or hint of criticism and I would run back to safety.  Securely hidden, at least partially, from any threats.  Or so I thought because it still hurts in the hidden.

I am NO LONGER waiting to feel better.  At least that is the realization for me.  That God's mercy and love alone is my confidence, so in that I AM better.  Tired of being disappointed in myself and my surroundings not turning out like I thought they would, I am walking forward and boldly.

Boldly because have accepted an invitation to speak at a SOFLO women's retreat in March.  Just a few of years ago, I walked away from getting back into ministry like this.  And even after saying yes, I began to doubt.  See, this is a pattern for me.  I am on a mission to break that pattern.  To not tiptoe into my calling because of fear.  But boldly go.  Not to say I won't have failures, but keeping myself hidden away from the threat is keeping me from walking in confidence not just in my calling but in my life, my relationships, my leadership.  

I am unsure who needs to hear this today, but I hope to encourage you to go forward in Confidence in the Lord for what He can do in and through you.  And if you need someone to encourage you, reach out.  I would love to connect with you.

~Michelle
michellebutler63@gmail.com

*and yes, seeing sister warriors in christ attacked and rise strong has had great impact on me as well- you don't know me, or may never read this but thank you @bethmoorelpm, @LysaTerKeurst and @brenebrown