Out of the Shadow

After the initial disbelief when our lives were cancelled and cities shutdown, I got sad.  Sad for everything that wasn't.  Sad for all the plans, goals, gone.  Covid had stolen my life from me and the people I loved, shifting all our expectations of a new decade.

Now just mere shadows, are all those ambitious notions for the coming year.  Yet something more, true and whole is taking it's place.

In all the shutting down, after the sadness and anger settled, a new stillness emerged.  A season of soul-searching and leaning in, finding fresh awareness.  Through the wondering and questioning my very existence, my faith.

While peeling back the layers and breaking down long standing barriers I had been blinded to, I am finding my true essence.

Who am I really?  How am I supposed to show up in the world?  And if I truly show up, just me, will I be loved?

Ashamed to find myself even asking.  But when the heart seems so disconnected, longing for clarity, it is listen and get curious.  I was recognizing that I needed to cast off the shadow of who I was trying to be.  Especially the realization that it was who I thought I needed to be for everyone else.

My journey these last months has led to a pilgrimage really.  A pilgrimage is not a round trip but a journey to a sacred place.  And I have found so far that God has been with me all the way, even in my questions.  And instead pushing away, getting angry, I have found a deeper connection with my creator.  A new freedom away from the shadow of myself.  

I am thankful that God has been my shepherd leading me.  And staying curious as I discover the ongoing impact of newfound places.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 

Psalm 23:1-4